Heart Stabbed Blade Ch 1: Her

**1/2 SPOILER**

im getting more into the differences later

**1/2 SPOILER DONE**

thank you... maybe i shoud try writing when im awake?

also, chapter two is up!!!

topic34878.html

Okay here's your review =] I think this story has potention. Here are my comments!

There are a few problems you do more than once. A couple of words are wrong and I corrected them all, as you'll see in the word document.

You put commas and things outside of the speech marks when they should just be inside.
Nothing should ever be in all capitals really, as a general rule. I mean, it's not never done ever, but mostly it's bad.
You need to write numbers as words and not just numbers.
And only one piece of punctuation after each sentence.
Watch your tenses.

Your pacing is a bit off sometimes, things move to fast. They rush along so fast, I don't even have time to get into the scene. You should describe more, the emotions of the main character, the smells and lights and sounds and the feelings that come from them - don't just list a lot of things that happened, and then this happened, and then this happened.

Mostly, I think your characters would be more shocked by the events in this story. They're very matter of fact, not very worried... like it's normal.

Also the random Japanese stuff seems out of place because they all seem really American. They all have Japanese names, you mentioned a sensei, they bow in class... and yet there's no feeling of Japanese culture here. You need to be one thing or the other. It's either in Japan or it's not, and if it is make it Japanese.

Anyway, don't be discouraged by this! Your story is actually pretty good and exciting, the sort of thing I'd really like, you just have to make some edits and it'll be great.

thank you for the review. i will try to get out the next chapter within the next 7 days, then ill go back and edit my first chapter. the next chapter will prbably be i bit shorter, and im not sure where im going to cut off the third chapter (even though its written, but not typed)

Is this how to reveiw a story?? Anyway this is pretty good for your first time for writing... I think you should of been a bit more surprised when Rena told you that you grew wings and a tail But I think i got most of the other parts. This story looks good and can't wait until you post the next chapter.

thx everyone ^_^

i dont know why you posted twice, kaylyn, but thank you for such detales. this is my first piece of work, so i am still working on editing out the problems, both with the story and the writing itself.

its nice to know that the characters seem devolped to annother person, beautyandthefish, that was annother one of my bigger concerns

thx for the review, estead. i cant wait 'till your next work comes out ^_^

my next chapter is currently in the typing faze (sp). pls give me anywhere from 2 days to a week ^^

Beep. Beep.


Even though I heard my alarm, I didn’t even think about getting up. I was not tired, though. I was in that state you get into right after sleeping; your mind floating between your dreams and reality. Every time I got there, I never wanted to leave. Not even a bit. I would be content to stay like that all day. Under my covers, all warm, within the dream I was having. I was in the perfect world, in the perfect school, with great friends and-


“Takato. Takato?”


-The best girl.


“Takato!!”


“I’m awake!!”


“You better be, don’t you realize that school starts in 5 minutes?!”


“5 minutes?!”


Somehow, we made it out the door 3 minutes later, and then made a mad dash to school. We made it right before the bell. Don’t ask me how, but we did.

Okay this dialogue is a bit confusing. So please specify who is talking.

“Cuttin’ it pretty close again, Takato. I still think your house adds a good mile to your walk”


“Shut it, Zack”


My house was pretty big. My parents left it to me before they disappeared. I have no clue where they may have gone, nor have they talked to me in any shape or form for the last 3 years. They had a lot of money, so a month after I started 7th grade they put a bunch of money in a bank at told them to let me have so much a month. Not that I miss them that much. Since they were always traveling or working I had to mostly fend for myself anyway.


I met her a few days later.


“Without her you would be screwed.”


“I know” I said, going into my famous I-suck-at-life position for a few seconds jokingly. To sum it up, head hanging down, face in a frown, and arms limp.


“And her figure is great, though she does lag in the breast department a bit…”


As soon as he said that I’m sure my face turned red. Needless to say I’m shy and that Zack is a bit on the perverted side. Problem is, I never stay in shy mode long, so others don’t notice.


“Sh-shut up”


“Come on Zack, do us a favor and grow up, or at least get through puberty”


Zack turned to me, shrugged, and walked way towards a group of girls.


“Man, he just never quits”


That was Toji. I guess you could say he’s my best friend, but that’s not saying much. We talk during homeroom (now) and during lunch, and sometimes play a few games together online. I’ve known him since the 3rd grade, but I still don’t know anything about his personal life.


“Tell me about it”’ I replied.


Just then Jeno Sensei walked into the room.


“Class representative.”


“Yes sir. Stand. Bow….
[b]I dont understand this part either...________________________________________________________________________


I think by now you are probably wondering who she is. Her name is Rena. Its not like we’re dating or anything. We’re just friends. I REPEAT: JUST FRIENDS.


It all started a few days after my parents left. I was told to go with her to put back some library books because the librarian was out. (This was at school, of course). It was obvious that we would be chosen because, bluntly said, we were the only ones that knew the difference between fiction and non-fiction. Reading really wasn’t a popular hobby if you know what I mean.


While we were walking we exchanged normal hellos, but then she asked me “How are you?”. It was just a normal greeting, so I could of said “good” or “fine”, but for some reason I felt that I needed to tell somebody and that I could trust her. And I did.


I don’t know weather she listened out of pity, or that she actually cared, but she listened none-the-less. And when I was done, and since we where the only ones in the library, we talked some more.


Not long after we found that our paths crossed when we went to school, so we started walking there together. Needless to say, that gave others the wrong idea.


That was about 3 years ago, and Rena is still the only person that knows. It’s not like I’m hiding it, though. Its just a bit…. Uncomfortable to tell people.


For example:


Policeman: “Hay kid, where’s your parents.”
OKay its hey, not hay

Me: “ Oh, they kind of ran away on me 3 years ago.”


Get what I mean?


________________________________________________________________________________


Bring.


I got up from my desk and headed towards the door. On the way I passed Rena.


“I owe you one for this morning,” I said to her.


“It wasn’t a problem”, she replied


“Yes it is. I’ve been sleeping in a lot lately and it’s making more work for you.”
[/b]Why has he been sleeping alot more lately.


“No it isn’t.”
Okay this is a confusing bit too.

That’s when Toji walked over.


“Your just too nice to him, Rena. You should just leave without him one day to teach him a lesson.” he said.


“If I did that he would just sleep ‘till the next day and not notice a thing,” she replied “Anyway, I have to go. See you tomorrow.”


Toji turned to me.


“Zack’s right, you two do make a good couple,” he said.


“I’m telling you, it’s not like that!”


Toji shrugged, then walked away.



The next day I forced myself to get up. I got dressed, ate, and did all the other usual things people did in the morning. I met Rena along the way to school. We said our normal hellos and talked a bit while walking. When we got to class we went our separate ways. I talked to Toji, ignored Zack a bit, and then sat down for class.


After 4th period (12:00) we have lunch. A few friends and I eat on the roof of the school, on the side overlooking the courtyard where most of the girls eat. Needless to say, Zack sits with us.


As I sat down, I started to get a headache.


“Dude, you don’t look so good,” said I must have had my hand on my head.


“I’m fine. I just need a drink from the fountain,” I replied.


When I got to the water fountain (which was 2 floors below the roof) and started leaning over to get a drink I started hearing footsteps. Like someone was running. When I looked up I saw a guy running extremely fast down the hall towards me. He passed me up, and then went down the stairs to the ground floor. I don’t know why, but I decided to chase after him, even though I was sure I could never catch up. Now that I think about it, it was probably because I guessed he was running because of a fire or something like that.


When I when down the stairs I saw the guy run out the door that led to the courtyard – the one where all girls eat. When I got out the door I saw that everyone outside was either asleep of knocked out. (I couldn’t tell which). Then I looked up from the bodies and saw that there was a huge, red force field like thing around the school and the surrounding land.


I looked closer and saw there was some movement. It was Rena, somehow still awake. I ran to her.


“What happened?” I asked.


“I don’t know”, she replied weakly, “everyone just fainted and then that red thing appeared around the school”.


“I have to call an ambulance or...”


Rena suddenly pointed behind me. I looked over my shoulder and saw a man standing behind me. (I was sure that he wasn’t the guy from earlier).


"No, you don't," he said.


“Did you do this!!?” I yelled at him.


He stayed silent. Then he lifted his hand in my direction. Suddenly, I couldn’t move. It was as if he paralyzed me from the neck down.
This is such as a cliche.


“You did this, didn’t you!!?”


He ignored me, and started walking towards Rena, who was still awake.


“Get away from her!!” I yelled at him.


He still ignored me, still going towards Rena, who couldn’t move.


“RENA!!!”


I snapped. I forced myself to get up and then ran at him full speed. He turned around. He looked stunned. I hit him in the stomach as hard as I could, and he went pretty far – but I wasn’t concerned about that. I ran toward him again, but that’s where my mind goes blank. The only thing I remember after that is Rena looking at me with a surprised look on her face.


I woke up in my house, in my room on my bed. I could see through the window that it was dark out, but I had no idea how many days I had slept. Then Rena came through my bedroom door and walked in.


“Thank goodness, your finally awake,” she said as she walked into the room.


“Yah. Could you tell me what happened?” I asked.


She looked down.


“Well… you grew a tail and wings and knocked that guy out.” She replied shyly.


“What!?” I asked, amazed at her answer.


“Just what I said,” she said, a bit mad that I didn’t believe her, “this neon green gel stuff came out of you and formed into wings and a tail.”


“Are you sure your ok? You looked really bad back there and…”


She looked down.


“I know what I saw,” she interrupted


I decided to believe her. I really had no choice. I mean a) she is the only witness, and b) she looked really cute when she said it.


“Anyway, what about everyone else?” I asked, trying to avoid telling her my reasons for believing her.


“The red thing disappeared when you knocked out that guy, and everyone was awake and fine before the police came.


“ What about the 2 guys?”


“2 guys? I only saw one, and he disappeared in all the commotion.” I guess she didn’t see the other guy from the hall.


I stretched. This was way too much to process after just waking up. Then my stomach started rumbling.


“Man I’m hungry,” I said.


“You should be,” Rena replied, “you’ve been asleep for more than a day.”


“Really?” I said, “I hope you at least went to school.” I was sure she did. The last time she missed school was 2 years ago when she had the flu.


She looked at the ground.


“I skipped today.”


“You did?!” I said, surprised at her answer


“Yes, but its to big deal.”


There was silence for a little while.


“Ummm…” I said, breaking the silence, “why don’t we go down to the convenience store and get something to eat?”


‘Ok,” Rena replied, “are you well enough to come?”


“Yep, I’m fine.”




When we got back, we ate and made some small talk. After a while I still wanted to know more about what happened. So I decided to ask.


“So, how did I look with wings and a tail?” not exactly the best conversation starter, but the best I could come up with. I know, I’m dumb.


She turned really red and looked down. Then I thought about what I just said then I think I turned a bit red.


“Er…never mind,” I decided to say, “sorry about that.”


“Oh, its ok,” she replied. She looked relieved, and so was I. To tell you the truth, I didn’t really want to hear her answer.


“You said something about another person?” she asked, probably also wanting to stay on the subject.


“Well, I had a headache, so I went downstairs to get a drink from the fountain. I saw him run past me and I followed him outside, but I didn’t see him again after that”


_________________________________________________________________________________________


That night my thoughts were about my conversation with Rena. The main part I thought about was when she said that neon green goo came out of me and formed into wings and a tail. Most of me said it was a lie. That it was impossible. That Rena was seeing things. That that day was a dream.


But, there was a small part of me that said that it happened, and that it was all real. Anyway, I was sure Rena didn’t lie to me. The way she said it. She was both embarrassed (?) and sure of what she said. I was sure I could trust her. So, with that said, it really wasn’t a question of “if it happened”, but “how?” and “why?’
Whats the question mark for?


And, between you and me, how Rena thought I looked with them.


________________________________________________________________________________________


“Here come the lovers” was the first thing Rena and I heard when we walked into the classroom the next morning.


“Come on, Zack, leave them alone,” Said Toji.


“Elementary, my dear Toji. Both of them weren’t in school yesterday, and they come to school together today. The reason; they…”


“Go flirt with someone, Sherlock.” I said finally, and surprisingly, Zack walked away and did just that.


Toji turned to Rena and I.


“Sorry ‘bout that,” He said.


“Not your falt, besides, he’s always like that. If only there was a girl that would teach him a lesson.” I replied, smirking at the thought.


“He goes from one to another so quickly that there isn’t enough time to tell him off.” Rena said jokingly.


Then Hikari walked over.


“Hay, Rena,” she said, “When did you stat hanging out with boys?”


Hikari is one of Rena’s friends. I don’t really know that much about her but that.


“I really wouldn’t call it ‘hanging out’,” Rena replied, “We’re just talking.”


Then Hikari motioned for Rena to follow her then turned around. Rena smiled at me, and I smiled back, then Rena chased after Hikari. Then Toji walked over to me.


“Nice work a few days ago,” he said, almost at a whisper.


“Huh, you mean you know what the heck happened?” I was surprised, but I took the hint and didn’t yell out my thoughts.


“Yah, didn’t you nee me run past you in the hall?” he looked a bit puzzled.


“I did, but I didn’t know it was you,” I said. Then the thought occurred to me, and I wasn’t too happy at it; “Could you kinda fill me in, cause I’m pretty sure we would of all been in deep…” I caught myself before I got too far. Please note that we were still in homeroom.


“Wait, so you have absolutely no Idea what happened??” Toji was amazed.


“Nope.”


“So you know nothing?”


“Nope…err, well, it kinda depends on…”


Toji interrupted my to-be rant.


“I guess I better fill you in.” Toji sighed. “After school on the roof good?”


“Yep,” I said, happy that I may finally get some answers. But I still had doubts. I didn’t know what to make of Toji now knowing that he was tied somehow to this mess.

I am sure I passed a few details over but I liked where the story was going and I hope to see more of it.

Beep. Beep.


Even though I heard my alarm, I didn’t even think about getting up. I was not tired, though. I was in that state you get into right after sleeping; your mind floating between your dreams and reality. Every time I got there, I never wanted to leave. Not even a bit. I would be content to stay like that all day. Under my covers, all warm, within the dream I was having. I was in the perfect world, in the perfect school, with great friends and-


“Takato. Takato?”


-The best girl.


“Takato!!”


“I’m awake!!”


“You better be, don’t you realize that school starts in 5 minutes?!”


“5 minutes?!”


Somehow, we made it out the door 3 minutes later, and then made a mad dash to school. We made it right before the bell. Don’t ask me how, but we did.

Okay this dialogue is a bit confusing. So please specify who is talking.

“Cuttin’ it pretty close again, Takato. I still think your house adds a good mile to your walk”


“Shut it, Zack”


My house was pretty big. My parents left it to me before they disappeared. I have no clue where they may have gone, nor have they talked to me in any shape or form for the last 3 years. They had a lot of money, so a month after I started 7th grade they put a bunch of money in a bank at told them to let me have so much a month. Not that I miss them that much. Since they were always traveling or working I had to mostly fend for myself anyway.


I met her a few days later.


“Without her you would be screwed.”


“I know” I said, going into my famous I-suck-at-life position for a few seconds jokingly. To sum it up, head hanging down, face in a frown, and arms limp.


“And her figure is great, though she does lag in the breast department a bit…”


As soon as he said that I’m sure my face turned red. Needless to say I’m shy and that Zack is a bit on the perverted side. Problem is, I never stay in shy mode long, so others don’t notice.


“Sh-shut up”


“Come on Zack, do us a favor and grow up, or at least get through puberty”


Zack turned to me, shrugged, and walked way towards a group of girls.


“Man, he just never quits”


That was Toji. I guess you could say he’s my best friend, but that’s not saying much. We talk during homeroom (now) and during lunch, and sometimes play a few games together online. I’ve known him since the 3rd grade, but I still don’t know anything about his personal life.


“Tell me about it”’ I replied.


Just then Jeno Sensei walked into the room.


“Class representative.”


“Yes sir. Stand. Bow….
[b]I dont understand this part either...________________________________________________________________________


I think by now you are probably wondering who she is. Her name is Rena. Its not like we’re dating or anything. We’re just friends. I REPEAT: JUST FRIENDS.


It all started a few days after my parents left. I was told to go with her to put back some library books because the librarian was out. (This was at school, of course). It was obvious that we would be chosen because, bluntly said, we were the only ones that knew the difference between fiction and non-fiction. Reading really wasn’t a popular hobby if you know what I mean.


While we were walking we exchanged normal hellos, but then she asked me “How are you?”. It was just a normal greeting, so I could of said “good” or “fine”, but for some reason I felt that I needed to tell somebody and that I could trust her. And I did.


I don’t know weather she listened out of pity, or that she actually cared, but she listened none-the-less. And when I was done, and since we where the only ones in the library, we talked some more.


Not long after we found that our paths crossed when we went to school, so we started walking there together. Needless to say, that gave others the wrong idea.


That was about 3 years ago, and Rena is still the only person that knows. It’s not like I’m hiding it, though. Its just a bit…. Uncomfortable to tell people.


For example:


Policeman: “Hay kid, where’s your parents.”
OKay its hey, not hay

Me: “ Oh, they kind of ran away on me 3 years ago.”


Get what I mean?


________________________________________________________________________________


Bring.


I got up from my desk and headed towards the door. On the way I passed Rena.


“I owe you one for this morning,” I said to her.


“It wasn’t a problem”, she replied


“Yes it is. I’ve been sleeping in a lot lately and it’s making more work for you.”
[/b]Why has he been sleeping alot more lately.


“No it isn’t.”
Okay this is a confusing bit too.

That’s when Toji walked over.


“Your just too nice to him, Rena. You should just leave without him one day to teach him a lesson.” he said.


“If I did that he would just sleep ‘till the next day and not notice a thing,” she replied “Anyway, I have to go. See you tomorrow.”


Toji turned to me.


“Zack’s right, you two do make a good couple,” he said.


“I’m telling you, it’s not like that!”


Toji shrugged, then walked away.



The next day I forced myself to get up. I got dressed, ate, and did all the other usual things people did in the morning. I met Rena along the way to school. We said our normal hellos and talked a bit while walking. When we got to class we went our separate ways. I talked to Toji, ignored Zack a bit, and then sat down for class.


After 4th period (12:00) we have lunch. A few friends and I eat on the roof of the school, on the side overlooking the courtyard where most of the girls eat. Needless to say, Zack sits with us.


As I sat down, I started to get a headache.


“Dude, you don’t look so good,” said I must have had my hand on my head.


“I’m fine. I just need a drink from the fountain,” I replied.


When I got to the water fountain (which was 2 floors below the roof) and started leaning over to get a drink I started hearing footsteps. Like someone was running. When I looked up I saw a guy running extremely fast down the hall towards me. He passed me up, and then went down the stairs to the ground floor. I don’t know why, but I decided to chase after him, even though I was sure I could never catch up. Now that I think about it, it was probably because I guessed he was running because of a fire or something like that.


When I when down the stairs I saw the guy run out the door that led to the courtyard – the one where all girls eat. When I got out the door I saw that everyone outside was either asleep of knocked out. (I couldn’t tell which). Then I looked up from the bodies and saw that there was a huge, red force field like thing around the school and the surrounding land.


I looked closer and saw there was some movement. It was Rena, somehow still awake. I ran to her.


“What happened?” I asked.


“I don’t know”, she replied weakly, “everyone just fainted and then that red thing appeared around the school”.


“I have to call an ambulance or...”


Rena suddenly pointed behind me. I looked over my shoulder and saw a man standing behind me. (I was sure that he wasn’t the guy from earlier).


"No, you don't," he said.


“Did you do this!!?” I yelled at him.


He stayed silent. Then he lifted his hand in my direction. Suddenly, I couldn’t move. It was as if he paralyzed me from the neck down.
This is such as a cliche.


“You did this, didn’t you!!?”


He ignored me, and started walking towards Rena, who was still awake.


“Get away from her!!” I yelled at him.


He still ignored me, still going towards Rena, who couldn’t move.


“RENA!!!”


I snapped. I forced myself to get up and then ran at him full speed. He turned around. He looked stunned. I hit him in the stomach as hard as I could, and he went pretty far – but I wasn’t concerned about that. I ran toward him again, but that’s where my mind goes blank. The only thing I remember after that is Rena looking at me with a surprised look on her face.


I woke up in my house, in my room on my bed. I could see through the window that it was dark out, but I had no idea how many days I had slept. Then Rena came through my bedroom door and walked in.


“Thank goodness, your finally awake,” she said as she walked into the room.


“Yah. Could you tell me what happened?” I asked.


She looked down.


“Well… you grew a tail and wings and knocked that guy out.” She replied shyly.


“What!?” I asked, amazed at her answer.


“Just what I said,” she said, a bit mad that I didn’t believe her, “this neon green gel stuff came out of you and formed into wings and a tail.”


“Are you sure your ok? You looked really bad back there and…”


She looked down.


“I know what I saw,” she interrupted


I decided to believe her. I really had no choice. I mean a) she is the only witness, and b) she looked really cute when she said it.


“Anyway, what about everyone else?” I asked, trying to avoid telling her my reasons for believing her.


“The red thing disappeared when you knocked out that guy, and everyone was awake and fine before the police came.


“ What about the 2 guys?”


“2 guys? I only saw one, and he disappeared in all the commotion.” I guess she didn’t see the other guy from the hall.


I stretched. This was way too much to process after just waking up. Then my stomach started rumbling.


“Man I’m hungry,” I said.


“You should be,” Rena replied, “you’ve been asleep for more than a day.”


“Really?” I said, “I hope you at least went to school.” I was sure she did. The last time she missed school was 2 years ago when she had the flu.


She looked at the ground.


“I skipped today.”


“You did?!” I said, surprised at her answer


“Yes, but its to big deal.”


There was silence for a little while.


“Ummm…” I said, breaking the silence, “why don’t we go down to the convenience store and get something to eat?”


‘Ok,” Rena replied, “are you well enough to come?”


“Yep, I’m fine.”




When we got back, we ate and made some small talk. After a while I still wanted to know more about what happened. So I decided to ask.


“So, how did I look with wings and a tail?” not exactly the best conversation starter, but the best I could come up with. I know, I’m dumb.


She turned really red and looked down. Then I thought about what I just said then I think I turned a bit red.


“Er…never mind,” I decided to say, “sorry about that.”


“Oh, its ok,” she replied. She looked relieved, and so was I. To tell you the truth, I didn’t really want to hear her answer.


“You said something about another person?” she asked, probably also wanting to stay on the subject.


“Well, I had a headache, so I went downstairs to get a drink from the fountain. I saw him run past me and I followed him outside, but I didn’t see him again after that”


_________________________________________________________________________________________


That night my thoughts were about my conversation with Rena. The main part I thought about was when she said that neon green goo came out of me and formed into wings and a tail. Most of me said it was a lie. That it was impossible. That Rena was seeing things. That that day was a dream.


But, there was a small part of me that said that it happened, and that it was all real. Anyway, I was sure Rena didn’t lie to me. The way she said it. She was both embarrassed (?) and sure of what she said. I was sure I could trust her. So, with that said, it really wasn’t a question of “if it happened”, but “how?” and “why?’
Whats the question mark for?


And, between you and me, how Rena thought I looked with them.


________________________________________________________________________________________


“Here come the lovers” was the first thing Rena and I heard when we walked into the classroom the next morning.


“Come on, Zack, leave them alone,” Said Toji.


“Elementary, my dear Toji. Both of them weren’t in school yesterday, and they come to school together today. The reason; they…”


“Go flirt with someone, Sherlock.” I said finally, and surprisingly, Zack walked away and did just that.


Toji turned to Rena and I.


“Sorry ‘bout that,” He said.


“Not your falt, besides, he’s always like that. If only there was a girl that would teach him a lesson.” I replied, smirking at the thought.


“He goes from one to another so quickly that there isn’t enough time to tell him off.” Rena said jokingly.


Then Hikari walked over.


“Hay, Rena,” she said, “When did you stat hanging out with boys?”


Hikari is one of Rena’s friends. I don’t really know that much about her but that.


“I really wouldn’t call it ‘hanging out’,” Rena replied, “We’re just talking.”


Then Hikari motioned for Rena to follow her then turned around. Rena smiled at me, and I smiled back, then Rena chased after Hikari. Then Toji walked over to me.


“Nice work a few days ago,” he said, almost at a whisper.


“Huh, you mean you know what the heck happened?” I was surprised, but I took the hint and didn’t yell out my thoughts.


“Yah, didn’t you nee me run past you in the hall?” he looked a bit puzzled.


“I did, but I didn’t know it was you,” I said. Then the thought occurred to me, and I wasn’t too happy at it; “Could you kinda fill me in, cause I’m pretty sure we would of all been in deep…” I caught myself before I got too far. Please note that we were still in homeroom.


“Wait, so you have absolutely no Idea what happened??” Toji was amazed.


“Nope.”


“So you know nothing?”


“Nope…err, well, it kinda depends on…”


Toji interrupted my to-be rant.


“I guess I better fill you in.” Toji sighed. “After school on the roof good?”


“Yep,” I said, happy that I may finally get some answers. But I still had doubts. I didn’t know what to make of Toji now knowing that he was tied somehow to this mess.

I am sure I passed a few details over but I liked where the story was going and I hope to see more of it.

Hey!
I love your characters, they're very fully developed. I feel no need to point out any grammatical errors, seeing as that has already been done, but I would like to give you some advice on improving the understandable-ness [yes i know it isn't a word] about your story.

1 Make sure that you don't jump around too much in the story. It can be confusing for the reader.

2 As this is only your first chapter, I won't nag you too much about the backgrounds of your characters, but make sure to think them out, even if you don't write them down.

3 Make sure to keep a little bit of not-so-obvious stuff [sorry couldn't think of a better word at the moment] Let your readers do some of the thinking

Great Story!
Keep it going!

Hi romance otaku! Its estead. You've been reviewing my stuff so i thought it would only be fair to read all of your stuff!

So I'm not the greatest speller either, but I did find some stuff that should be fixed.

I don’t know weather she listened out of pity, or that she actually cared, but she listened none-the-less. And when I was done, and since we where the only ones in the library, we talked some more.

It should be whether instead of weather.


“Dude, you don’t look so good,” said I must have had my hand on my head.

Who said this?


When I when down the stairs I saw the guy run out the door that led to the courtyard


went


Then Rena came through my bedroom door and walked in.

Nothing is really wrong with this sentence except that it sounds weird. Maybe it could be like "Then Rena walked in through my bedroom door". That way you don't have to have the and in there. It's a writer choice so up to you.


“Yah. Could you tell me what happened?” I asked.

Its yeah not yah. You have that in a few places, so you might want to fix that.


“Are you sure your ok? You looked really bad back there and…”

Its okay not ok. I did that a lot when I was younger so that's fine. Just fwi.


“Yes, but its to big deal.”

This just confused me a bit. I have no idea what you mean in this sentence.


‘Ok,” Rena replied, “are you well enough to come?”

Again its okay not ok. And you still need quotation marks at the beginning.


She was both embarrassed (?) and sure of what she said. I was sure I could trust her. So, with that said, it really wasn’t a question of “if it happened”, but “how?” and “why?’

What's with the question mark?


And, between you and me, how Rena thought I looked with them.

Incomplete sentence. I know what you're getting at here, but it just doesn't make sense where it is right now. But it is a funny line, so make it work somewhere.


“He goes from one to another so quickly that there isn’t enough time to tell him off.” Rena said jokingly.

It should be a comma.


“Hay, Rena,” she said, “When did you stat hanging out with boys?”

Its hey.

Overall this was enjoyable to read. It totally reminded me of the stuff I wrote when I was younger. Keep this up and you'll definitely be good.

Change the things I mentioned and it will be much more correct in the grammar department.

Enjoy hearing from you in the future, and reading your writing!

Yours truly,
Estead

ok, sorice, i have no clue what your getting at

and the next chapter is written, but is still needs typed, printed, and edited (again, my cheesy factor meter on the next chapter is a bit much, so i need to edit that out...a lot)

E- do you guys think that the next chaper should be a it shorter? this was 8 pages, and i have 3 pages for the next chapter typed. should i end the next chapter early?

Well, the cheesy factor is a bit much, but it seems like you're adding fictional elements to real life events in your own life. (Like the part about the you and Rena?) All in all, a great read, and can't wait for the next chapter (And I'm not just saying that because you paid me to) Oh, when will the next chapter come?